


Murder Bean Dads

by briarcreature



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Bean Dad, Crack, Gen, M/M, Murder Family, comedic graphic violence, very short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28594803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briarcreature/pseuds/briarcreature
Summary: Based on a certain viral/memetic twitter thread. Hannibal is very concerned that Abigail learn to use a can opener with maximum efficacy...albeit not for its intended function of opening cans. Will isn't convinced this is necessary.Flash fiction length, originally posted elsewhere.
Relationships: Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	Murder Bean Dads

“I’m not sure I can do it,” Abigail said. The man tied to the chair had stopped screaming several hours earlier; he was still conscious, but reduced to panting and a low, gurgling moan. Blood oozed from superficial lacerations all over his neck, face, and naked chest. “The blade’s not as sharp as it should be, I think.” She absentmindedly tried to tuck her hair behind an ear that was no longer there.

“Nonsense,” said Hannibal calmly from the corner of the basement. He slipped another piece of his deluxe jigsaw puzzle into place. There were 3,000 pieces. When it was finished, it would depict Hieronymous Bosch’s _The Garden of Earthly Delights_. “It is an elegant tool, in perfect condition. Observe the can opener more carefully, Abigail. All the parts you need are right where they need to be. You only need to figure out how best to make use of them.”

“I still don’t see why I can’t use a knife,” Abigail grumbled. “Or a gun.”

“It’s important that you cultivate ingenuity,” Hannibal replied. “And elegance.”

“She’s been at it for six hours,” said Will. He added a piece to the puzzle. “This is torturous for that poor man. For her, too. She must be so hungry--"

“We will eat when Abigail kills the meat,” said Hannibal. “I have the utmost faith in her abilities. Patience, Will.”

Abigail tried to sever her victim’s jugular again, from a new angle. The blade of the can opener dug into the skin enough to open a shallow cut, then slipped off. She groaned in frustration, and the man groaned back in hopeless agony.

“Surely at this point we can help her a little,” said Will. “She’s made a good effort.”

“It’s important that our daughter learn self-sufficiency. She must be able to fend for herself, by herself, using whatever tools are available to her. This is what separates the wolves of the human race from the sheep.”

“Wolves are pack animals. They’re highly social. They help each other.”

“Yet a lone wolf may do as well for himself as a wolf that runs with his fellow wolves.”

Will sighed. “I don’t suppose we could order a pizza while we wait.”

Hannibal smiled. “Perish the thought. No.”

There was a loud squelching, cracking sound, and the man tied to the chair mustered up one final, hellish scream. Fortunately, the basement was sound-proofed.

“I did it!” cried Abigail. She had driven one end of the can opener straight through the man’s left eye, forcing it deep into the socket, probably into his brain. Blood and vitreous fluid poured down from the ruined eye in a great torrent.

“Excellent,” said Hannibal. “Now all you must do is clean, dress, and cook him.”


End file.
